new year's journey to the south point of korea

special guest writer: hiuyan
[photo comments added by me, peter]

peter and I went on a trip to Haenam (literally means “ocean-south” – southern coast of Korea) over the new year :)

But let me start with what we did on New Year ’s Eve~
We were invited to peter’s co-worker, dongun’s place. Since peter and dongun both had to work that evening, I went to dongun’s place to meet his fiancé, Youngmin, while they’re at work. We went to a supermarket and got some ingredients for making mandu (steamed dumpling, sort of) and japchae (sweet potato noodles stir-fried with… stuff – which I recalled attempting to make once for peter when we’re in hawaii, but I made it too greasy… :p). Youngmin and her housemate, Hoon, told me that if I could make pretty mandus, I would have pretty daughters :) So, after Youngmin was done with making the filling for the mandus, I started to make up some “mandu-making-strategies” for my future daughters’ sakes. But I have to admit that I ended up making up some pretty… strange looking mandus (peter ate the strangest one that looked like a dog poop…). That’s okay, my daughters don’t have to look pretty as long as they have beautiful hearts :) I convinced myself… peter, dongun and one of the secretaries at their hagwon finally arrived right after we were done making all the mandus and Youngmin made the japchae. After eating all the good food, and after counting down (now I’m 24, instead of 22, in Korean age – my mom counts age almost the same way too, except that she uses the Chinese New Year. Birthdays don’t count, and the other extra year of age is the year when I was still in her tummy…), that’s when the fun starts! go-stop! :D Even though peter and I were the ones who lost in the end (I managed to feel like winning at first but I lost in the end, but peter was just losing the whole time, except the practice round~ haha~), we had lots of fun playing that anyway :D It was now almost 4am… peter and I took a nap before going to the bus station at 6am to get our bus tickets to Haenam. Then we went back to peter’s apartment to take a longer nap before hopping on the bus at 2:40pm to Haenam.

[ginny and me on the bus to mokpo - 목포 - transfer point on the way to 해남 - haenam]

8:30pm, New Year’s evening, we’re exhausted from the bus ride and everything was closed around the Haenam bus station, except one 24 –hour jjimjilbang :D Hooray! We’re very much in need of that. Very quickly we checked in and very quickly we went into the bathing rooms separately.
It was weird to me, at first. I’ve been to hot springs and bathing places like that before, but trips to hot springs and bathing places have usually been with my female friends. I’ve never gone to the bathing area by myself. It felt really different this time. But as I started to focus on the rhythm of my own breaths in the hot water, letting myself being indulged into this steamy atmosphere, I found the invisible wings of mine spreading out, very happily :) exhilarating – that’s the word.
After being in the hot water for a while, I jumped into the cold water to refresh myself before going into the sauna room (my favorite part~ heehee~). I like switching back and forth between the “dry sauna” and the “moist sauna”. It’s good to be alive~
I met up with peter, after about an hour of bathing, at the common area while he apparently made a new friend from the smoking room. So we “chatted” (language difficulty…) for a little while with him and other people in this high temperature room where they stayed. By the time we left the room, I was ready for another bath, but I decided to wait until the next morning :) Then peter and I played some cribbage while drinking some red wine that we had been able to sneak in with~ heehee~ After that, we were ready for “bed” – floor, where everyone was sleeping on.[at the jjimjilbang][this one was smaller than usual ones, but this is the general scene - some jjimjilbangs are HUGE]

The next morning, we both got up feeling a bit tired. But we felt a lot better after taking another bath :) Then we left the jjimjilbang and started to look for a place for breakfast. But it was too early for things to be opened. So we walked and walked and finally, we found this bakery shop, where we ordered some pastry and drinks. Hmm… nothing beats having a cup of hot tea in a cold morning, and being with my beloved one makes it even more enjoyable and memorable… :)[paris baggette breakfast][walking around haenam][this stack of pet canaries and bunny rabbits was just in the middle of the sidewalk with no apparent owner - they were quite cute][while visiting the store, we caught this guy using the produce isle mirror to shave with his electric razor - no doubt he is the manager or something; i cant imagine a customer carrying around a razor in their pocket just looking for a place to use it - this kind of 'resourcefulness' is sometimes a common sight in korea - more than once ive seen mothers changing their kid's diaper on the SUBWAY! gross.]

Then we took out the map of Haenam and decided to go to a temple which was called Daeheung.

It took us about half an hour to get to the area where the temples were. It’s windy and cold here, so we decided to start with searching for the hostel that we had seen on the map. We knew that it was pretty close to the cable car facility building, so we aimed for it first – it was on a slope, and the hostel was even farther up on the top of that slope![our haunted hostel]

And once we entered the hostel, we’re both shocked by how empty it was! It was like a scene where they shoot a detective movie that goes like “someone’s dead in this mansion and everyone has to stay because one of us is the murderer!” Seriously, no one was even at the front desk when we arrived. But a middle-aged Korean man came out from the room behind the front desk after we had shouted. Finally we got a nice comfy room :) Then we put our stuff down and got ready to go to the temple~ as soon as we walked out of our room, we saw a bird at a closed window trying to get out. He couldn’t find his way back and was just hoping to fly out from the windows. So, peter decided to open the window for him. But once he stepped closer to the bird, the bird escaped to the other closed window at the opposite direction. Then we decided to open one window and “scare” him to fly to that one window. It took us a while, but he finally freely flew out~ we felt really happy about it afterwards :) heehee~~

On the way to the temples, I recall having a nice conversation about what I did right before going to college in Hawaii, while passing through a pretty hiking trail with a couple of rope bridges J we like rope bridges, especially peter. He had so much fun trying to scare me by walking on them with heavy steps while I was right behind him!

[on the rope bridge][ginny falls down on the rope bridge hahaha]

We finally got to the temples. But immediately, we both felt like there’s something that didn’t feel quite right. Peter said it first, “I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but temples seem a lot less attractive when there are too many tourists walking around and taking pictures.” He was obviously looking very uncomfortable. I, on the other hand, didn’t feel that uncomfortable. Not that I got comfortable with this kind of atmosphere (never can I). Instead, I found a resolution when I was younger – I used to go to some touristy temples with my parents on our trips to the mainland China with those tour companies. Since the tour companies liked to go to touristy places, the temples where they took us to were usually full of tourists. So I found a way to find my peace of mind while my parents were listening to the tour guides talking about the temples – I would sit at a corner, watch people going back and forth, and feel the flow of time with my own pace – I said that to peter, and we decided to sit at a corner. It worked a little for him, I guess :)

[many, many people]

Honestly, I don’t recall much of the rest of our temple visiting. Because peter and I had an argument and I was sinking too much into my own deep thoughts. It feels weird sometimes how mood changes from one conversation to another. Not necessarily bad, but just that expectations have to be thrown away for good reasons. And that could be quite painful for a short while.

[hiuyan standing alone during our fight]

[beautiful turquoise korean architecture - this building complex was turned into a museum]

[please remove your shoes]

[we weren't really sure who this old guy was - but he's pretty studly regardless]

[i liked this watercolor in the museum]

[this building is a buddhist shrine]

[there are literally thousands of buddhas in here - so buy bowing once, you are actually racking up huge penance bonuses!]

[i had to admit, i felt a little nervous taking pictures under the gaze of these fearsome guardians...]

[some nature shots on the way back]

With our tired bodies, we stopped by a restaurant and had a seafood hot pot :D nice and warm~~~ then we got some Korean wine (I forgot its name) from the restaurant and hiked back to our “ghostly” hostel~ We headed to bed pretty early after some go-stop rounds and wine :)

[enjoying the local fare at a restaurant we randomly found which i had actually happened to jot down the name of - it's 전주 식당 - jeonju shikdang; tasty beef and seafood stew, though i didnt much care for the raw oysters][playing go stop in our room at the hostel - ginny kicked my ass and i drank a lot of the wine we brought back from dinner]

We woke up later than we had expected the next morning~ but that’s okay because it’s vacation~ :) As soon as we got ready, we went straight to the bus station and caught the bus to go to the most southern point of Korea, where the Ttangkkeut Tower was located (in the town of “Ttangkkeut”).

[we took a picture of the bus schedule because we weren't sure about how much time we'd need to catch our bus back to mokpo and then suwon]

It was the best area comparing to the places that we had been staying for the last 2 nights, simply because it was more like a village and it’s along the coast :) Instead of going along the route that other tourists took, we decided to walk along a small rocky beach to get to the Ttangkkeut Tower, which involved climbing along some small “cliffy” rock on the way. That was really great! We found a big flat rock on the way where we could sit down for a while and enjoy the ocean breeze~~ Life is good~~

[climbing the rocky coastline]

[hiuyan in deep thought]

[we decided to climb up the small 'mountain' overshadowing us and see the 땅끝탑 - 'ddangkkeut tap', the official south point tower and observation deck]

[it was impossible to get a picture of this statue alone because there was an endless stream of group photos, so i gave up and took a picture of some family]

[the ocean breeze is nice, but damn frigid]

[for some reason i was fascinated by these fishing nets and platforms]

We decided to go back to Suwon after Ttangkkeut, because peter’s sickness got worse from being in the cold weather too long, and I was tired, too. When we came down from the top of the hill where Ttangkkeut was , we still had 30 minutes until the bus was scheduled to leave but suddenly, we noticed that there were ships going to those real small islands nearby! Peter and I were like,” no way! How come we didn’t notice that before???” 30 minutes wasn’t enough of course… “Next time.” Peter said. That put a smile on my face, for some reason :) Peter later said that going to one of those smaller islands would be the kind of spontaneousness that he wish we would’ve done – going to somewhere we had not planned and we didn’t know about, an expected discovery of something exciting and beautiful. The feeling of being spontaneous is good, but it’s not just for the sake of being spontaneous. It’s somewhere/something that you feel from the bottom of your heart that you really want to go/do. That excitement, the possibility, just from thinking about it, would make your heart pound :) I couldn’t help but recalled my trip to Switzerland a few years ago. For a month, I was by myself. I could hop on and off of public transportation throughout the whole country because I got “Swiss Pass”. Therefore, even though I planned where to go everyday, I would always end up being somewhere else. Because when I saw a place where looked really attractive to me, I would jump off the train. I really made good use of my “Swiss Pass” honestly :) I had been missing that kind of spontaneousness very much, now that peter reminded me about it. I had been more careful that I haven’t reminded myself/been reminded about it for quite a while. Most likely, that feeling would be different (and enchanted) when I’m with peter…

So, where was I? Sorry about going off topic again. Yes, we only/still got 30 minutes until the bus departed. We decided to hang out at the lighthouse until then. There was no one on the way to the lighthouse/ at the lighthouse, which made it prettier than we would’ve ever expected… :)

[ddangkkeut port - ginny didnt understand why i wanted a picture of this junk boating equiptment]

Finally, the bus came and we settled ourselves down, contentedly. Feeling the diffuse warmth from my heart, I gave myself a fulfilling smile :)

christmas eve 2008 - empty train stations, unfamiliar streets, midnight bath house oasis

well it is officially Christmas day. 12:39am. I can’t say ive ever spent christmas quite like this before. but it isn’t without its own unique charm.

I missed the last train to incheon, where I was planning on spending the night (in the airport) waiting for hiuyan’s plane to arrive. as her plane will be arriving at 5 in the morning, I was left with few choices: it was either go to the airport the night before, or not meet her at the airport at all. my students made it clear that this was unacceptable and that it was my duty to see her arrive at the airport, no matter the cost, and eventually their reasoning had enough effect on me to make me acquiesce.

unfortunately, friendly christmas spirit ended up being my undoing. there were next to no students present for the last 10pm class on christmas eve, so all the teachers combined classes and I led a game of christmas charades. the game had the added effect of making all of us teachers real chummy, and as we closed up the school, the suggestion of a round of beers was non-refusable. I knew I didn’t have much time before the trains closed for the night, but that couldn’t dissuade me from making a ‘quick stop’. I shouldn’t have played that last song on jason’s guitar. I knew I was running short on time. when I finally did leave, it was nearly eleven and my bulging bladder seemed to bounce threateningly as I power-walked to the station.

I would have to change trains at guro station in order to get to incheon. I was anxious the whole way, the incessant urge to pee not helping to calm me down. I got to guro at about ten to twelve and as I got off the train, my heart swelled with hope (although not as much as my bladder) because there were loads of people waiting on the platform for the train to incheon. soon after I got into the queue, however, an announcement came on the loudspeaker informing everyone that there were no more trains for the night. people looked around at each other with confused and worried looks, and eventually everyone made their way up the stairs. i was at a loss. I asked several passerbyers if I had heard the announcement correctly. I had. eventually I took my consolation prize and relieved myself in the station restroom and exited to the street.

as the crowds dispersed, attacking taxi drivers split the streams of people like rocks in a flowing river, shouting out offers of rides to incheon. I ignored them, knowing the price would astronomical. just out of curiosity, however, I asked one guy who was pestering me, no doubt thinking me a potential sucker, what the price would be. he said $80. I said, how about thirty. he said, it’s christmas so how about fifty. I said no and kept walking. I wasn’t sure where I was going. I just heading kept down the same street, following a medium-sized crowd of people who had also just left guro station, and eventually we came to a dimly-lit bus stop. I tried to scan the posted schedules for any buses that might be going somewhere helpful to me; nothing. I was thinking about the possibility of sleeping in a PC-방 (computer ‘bang’ – room; you pay by the hour to use a computer), and when I called my buddy wonchul, he suggested this course of action. thinking that this would be an undesirable yet doable fallback way to spend christmas eve (although not any worse than sleeping at the airport, I suppose), I decided to walk around a bit more to see what I could see. if possible, I was considering staying up all night in a coffee shop or a bar (I did bring along my computer after all) since by now I had to wait only 4 hours or so until the station opened again.

the streets were pretty empty at 12:30. most businesses were closed; only a few places showed any lights glowing like islands among the silent skyscrapers towering in darkness. after wandering around for a while, I decided to pop in at solitary coffee shop that was still open for business. I ordered an americano and flipped on my computer to begin writing this entry. I made it as far as about a paragraph ago (now im finishing the rest at home) when the manager of the place came up to me to tell me the shop was closing. he looked apologetic. I hastily packed up my things, noticing that all the other patrons had indeed left already. it was starting to feel more like a lonely night as I pushed through the door out onto the cold, empty streets.

I walked on a little more, keeping my eyes peeled. I didn’t want to stay in a pc bang if I could help it. I passed a cheesy-looking bar whose only positive attribute was a sign saying it was open until 4am on christmas eve. I kept it in the back of my mind as I walked, looking for another potential refuge from the cold.

after a while I noticed a colorful glow in the sidewalk and looked up. there the bright green letters of a 24-hour 찜질방 (‘jjimjil-bang’ – bath/sauna house) shone down on me. as soon as I saw it, I knew that would be the perfect place to camp out until morning, and I wondered why I hadn’t thought to look for one earlier. it’s sort of hard to imagine such a large public bath on the 8th floor of a building, but once you get inside, it’s like an isolated world. trying to act as casual as everyone else (i.e. not like a foreigner) I put my clothes in a locker, washed myself at the deserted bathing stations, and soaked in the baths for an hour. going back and forth between hot and cold water really put the life back into me, while also refreshing me from the cold, windy outside and soothing my aching body. at around 2:30 I meandered down to the common area and scoped out a likely spot to close my eyes for a couple hours. I hadn’t expected the place to be so packed and noisy (although maybe I should have) on christmas eve (the bath had been virtually deserted, after all). it took me a few failed attempts choosing a place and laying down to finally be able to doze for a little bit. there were tons of young people in gender-segregated groups likely of single people, as christmas is a ‘couples’ day’ in korea. I drifted in and out of sleep in a creative position on a tiny sofa until I got up, groggy, at 4:30 and tiptoed through the maze of people sleeping everywhere to get back to my locker and head back onto the cold streets. when the ‘morning’ air hit me, it was more than a little hard not to go back inside to the cozy, moist bath house.

I made my way through the dark back to guro station and found I was early. a bit too early, in fact. on christmas day, the trains don’t start until about 5:30, so I had quite a bit of time to wait. with only a handful of people scattered across the whole station’s expanse, the numerous platforms looked like odd little islands in a sea of train tracks. it was cold, and with my body facing the direction of least exposure to the wind, I kept looking down the silent, dark tracks for the coming train to incheon. I listened to music (the first song randomly came up as a 15-minute long ambient trip and I just floated away) and waited as the platforms slowly began to attract more christmas-morning commuters. at 5:30 the train eventually came and I made my way to the incheon airport where my girl had likely already arrived and was waiting for me.

elusive sleep-balance & ajumma psychoanalysis

it seems like ill never figure out a balanced daily schedule while im working at this academy... for the first 1 1/2 months in korea, i felt pretty much exhausted all the time, and i couldnt break the habit of taking a nap every afternoon in between my morning and evening classes. once i finally did stop taking naps, it was only due to the combined assistance of a daily coffee (which i rarely drink normally) and exercise and a shower in the afternoon. okay, that worked for a while, but i cant live like a robot doing the exact same thing everyday - i need variety and spontaneity. and yet, as soon as i change things up a little, my precarious grip on controlling sleep and energy unravels.

im not normally this out-of-control. this unbalanced lifestyle is entirely the fault of my unbalanced work schedule which has me teaching at 7:30am and finishing at 10pm. okay, i dont work all day by any means. actually, i only teach a total of 6 hours a day. my morning classes finish at noon and evening classes begin again at 7. i have to admit that sometimes this schedule is nice - i have more motivation to do something more productive during those seven hours of break than i would have if my free time followed a full day of work. and the evenings aren't ever lonely since im teaching. but you can imagine how difficult it would be to split your work up like that. the worst part is definitely finding a stable sleeping schedule, but it also really sucks to have that 'oh shit i have to work in one hour'-feeling TWICE a day.

well yesterday i fell asleep at my computer in the afternoon and snored 3 of my afternoon hours away. i woke up like a zombie 1 hour before class, and believe me, i was NOT AT ALL pleased with the situation. screaming out R Kelly's 'i believe i can fly' in the shower helped my mood a bit, but i still had to exercise control on my grumpiness. luckily my evening students are super.

yesterday i also tried an interesting activity with some of my students. at 10am i have a 'free talking' class which i always refer to as my 'ajumma class' since nearly all of them are 30-something to middle-aged house-wives. it's a pretty fun class. on tuesday we talked all about tattoos and body piercings which many of them referred to as 'injuring the body' and a sin. you could say that they have some conservative leanings, but ive also been surprised with some of the stories they've shared from their 'younger days'.

well, yesterday i decided to give them a psychological test.
i asked them to draw a person, and, refusing to give any other instruction, set them to work (i borrowed this from the 'house-tree-person test' which is used to assess children's personalities for presence of abuse or derangement). i'll explain the interpretation through some examples from my class, with, of course, whatever explanations on korean society i can think of.
i also want to make it clear that these interpretations are merely the untrained guesses of a non-korean and so they could completely off.

these two drawings were made by 50-ish student named soon.
the students are supposed to draw one person and then draw another person of the opposite gender. the first picture is typically of the same gender as the artist and reflects a more direct personal perspective on personality. the opposite gender represents also parts of the artist's personality, but aspects that are not directly acknowledged. soon drew a woman sitting down first, then a man standing.
the legs and feet represent the security, strength, and power of the artist, like the trunk and roots of trees, so really weak legs and small feet suggest insecurity (and so do really large feet).
we use our arms to engage the world and our hands to affect it. arms reaching out from the body suggest a willingness to interact with the world and open hands, confidence with such actions. closed arms and hidden or gloved hands could mean defensiveness, a lack of confidence, insecurity. so soon's woman sitting down in profile with one arm outstretched and one held in close gives a sort of mixed message. especially when compared to the man standing with more open arms and facing forward. it seems like soon sees herself as being more reserved with repressed feelings of wanting to engage the world more.

facial expressions suggest what they do on a real person's face. these drawings, and those of most of the other students, feature well-dressed and proper-looking men and women.

the next two drawings were done by a student whose english name is laura.
interestingly, the woman and the man both look nearly identical. i told laura that this might mean that she has fewer repressed feelings. this certainly would fit her personality in class - she often very openly describes her emotions, fears, even insecurities with us. for some people, listening to her talk about how she 'feels depressed today because she doesn't know how to be a mother to her boys who have different perspectives from her - whether she should badger them to study (as most parents are compelled to do in korea) or let them have some fun even though there is a constant stream of test and examinations (more on korean education system later)', they consider laura a confused and worrisome woman. i think this is a healthy way of facing the insecurities that trouble many housewives and it gives laura a unique strength. both of her drawings feature people with their arms open and fingered (a trait absent in all other students' drawings). they are also simple looking and well-dressed with pleasant expressions.

the next student's name is suhee.
despite being in her late twenties, her drawing style is like that of a adolescent girl. i have found this to be typical of most teenage - unmarried-20 year-olds. as details in these drawings are sparse, there's not much to interpret. the neck connects the body (needs and drives) with the head (thoughts - cognitive). no neck would mean no separation, and a really long neck might mean desire for disconnection. everyone drew pretty average-looking necks, and i would say in my opinion, women in korea have more of a balance between those two processes than men.

this last student's english name is grace; she is also 50-ish and quite nervously talkative.
her drawings deviated a little from the norm in some quite interesting ways. first of all, her woman appears by traditional perspectives more masculine and the male more feminine. her woman holds her arms in close and somewhat protectively. the feet are cut off (this could suggest a lack of security or merely that the drawing's size was not correctly anticipated). the woman appears quite formal and reserved. the man, on the other hand, has long hair, casual clothing, and is holding a guitar. i told grace that this perhaps means that she has some latent desire to express more creativity, but it is hard to say why she chose this image.

there's a lot more that i could say about this class, but i'll save that for another day (mostly because im hungry and it's dinnertime). i do want to mention, however, the strong sense of camaraderie that has developed in this class between the students. they often hang around and talk or get lunch together afterwards. i have a fun time playing along with them and i have to say ive made a pretty cool connection with them. maybe it's because of their higher english level, or maybe it's their personalities, but i think i've been able to share more of myself with them than most other students. they're great!

9:30 am - morning break

these days im working a slightly different class schedule with a break after my morning class at 7:30. thus far, ive been squandering the time with one or more of the following activities: cooking and chowing some break, mindless entertainment, reading, even studying some biology from an evolution textbook i bought a couple weeks ago. well, i finally got the bright idea to jump on my blog for few minutes to use this time to write a little something. i hope it carries over to subsequent days.
yesterday was a good day. i stayed at home and was therefore able to receive several calls on skype from my sister, mom, ginny, and even LUCAS SOKOL-OXMAN who i havent seen in months resulting in serious withdrawl symptoms. i was also able to finally write a blog entry on my experience last week with eunsoo's accidental passing away, and i was very glad to do that.
all of these things took my entire afternoon, however, and only after i started cooking a big pot of mashed potatoes (my comfort food), i noticed it was almost time for evening class. the potatoes went on the back burner (pun INTENDED) and i jogged to school with a grumbly tummy.
fortunately (or not?) i managed to grab a quick burger at a nearby KFC in between class to hold me over. the spuds became my after-work treat and my this-morning-bellyache. ug!
well, gotta run to class now!

~오은수~

last tuesday night i got a late phone call from my friend wonchul. it was about an hour or so after i finished my last evening class, and i was still awake reading some of brothers karamazov before going to bed. after my enthusiastic 'heeeeello!', it didnt take long for me to figure out something was wrong.

'there's some bad news,' he said. 'you remember eunsoo from hilo? he's passed away.'

like suddenly muting all the noise from the world, everything in my mind dropped. what could i say? i never in a million years expected anything like this to happen. 'what happened?' i breathed out the words, and even those barely managed to shake themselves loose of grip around my voice. my words sounded grating in my ears nonetheless.

'it was a car accident,' wonchul said. 'we dont know anything else.'

he told me that there had been a memorial service that day and that he had been trying to get a hold of me. i felt like an idiot for not receiving his call, even though there was nothing i could do about my phone dying earlier that afternoon. he explained that korean memorial services last for two days and that i could go the next day with a couple other friends of ours who had also been unable to go that day.

eunsoo was a friend of ours from hawaii. although i can not say that we were very close, eunsoo and i shared many good times in hilo together, playing baseball together, weekend barbecues, and many late-night go stop binges. we also met a couple of times in seoul two years ago when i visited korea for the first time. myself and other friends joked often about eunsoo's apparent lack of success with girlfriends and his constant stream of overly-melodramatic screen names on instant messenger such as 'what the hell am i doing with my life' and so on. these jokes were never an expression of looking down on the guy, meerly expressions of affection.

i asked wonchul how he felt. 'confused,' was all he said. after i hung up and sent a message to another friend telling her that id call her in the morning to figure out when we could meet to visit eunsoo's family, i laid back in my bed and tried to understand how i felt myself. confused was the only word that seemed to fit me as well. staring restlessly off into space, sleep eluded me.

during my morning classes i managed to get a phone call off to my friend hyunsook who i would be meeting to visit eunsoo's family. we would have to go to the hospital which was located in 의정부 ('uijeongbu'), a town more than 2 hours from suwon where i live. since we'd be meeting in the evening, i would have no chance of being able to teach my evening classes. i braced myself for confronting my boss with this situation, but i was resolved to go, and i wouldn't take no for an answer, no matter the cost. surprisingly, in a breach of character, my boss yielded without much resistance. even so it would be an exhausting day, and hiuyan was flying into incheon international airport that night to visit me for a few days, so the timing would be tight.

i headed out in mid-afternoon for uijeongbu and managed to rendezvous with hyunsook along the way without much difficulty. there wasn't much we could say to each other for a while, but the reassurance of someone else's company was enough. with marginal success we chit-chatted in the train, asking idly about recent dealings in our lives and eventually broaching the issue of eunsoo's death. neither of us, it turned out, knew much about what happened, being certain only of our own determination to make this journey to see eunsoo's family and perhaps find some answers to the questions and uncertainties bouncing around in our own troubled hearts.

when we got out of the station, it already felt like night, and the air was cold and unfamiliar. neither of us had ever been this far north out of the city. we grabbed a cab to the hospital and eventually found the place where funerals were being held.

the atmosphere was quite different from what i expected. what had at first appeared to be a waiting room or cafeteria to me quickly materialized into the funeral hall itself, as realization dawned on me. along one wall were enclosures separated from one another, each housing a personal shrine for someone recently deceased. each displayed a large framed picture of someone, most of whom were elderly people. there was also a incense rack. next to these shrines stood pairs or groups of people adorned in solemn clothes and expressions patiently waiting or greeting arriving visitors. along the other side of this long, hallway-like room were low tables spread with a rich, many-coursed meal in the korean tradition. at many of these tables sat numerous visitors or family members, and their hushed chit-chat and occasional laughter permeated the otherwise sound-barren air.

i cautiously glanced at the pictures on my left, searching for the one familiar face i knew i would find in that place, still wondering if perhaps i had gotten things wrong, misheard somehow or something. we walked to the far end of the room and removed our shoes before greeting eunsoo's parents. and there his picture was. although i was uncertain about my every action in the unfamiliar setting, i allowed my eyes to linger on his face. hyunsook left my side to light a stick of incense and upon her return, hyunsook and i sank into the customary 5-point bow and prostrated ourselves before the shrine. turning our attention back toward eunsoo's parents who were standing patiently aside, hyunsook introduced us and explained our acquaintance to eunsoo. i shook his fathers hand and smiled and his mother. we signed the guest book and left our envelopes of money, a custom also practiced at weddings such as the one i had attended weeks before.

hyunsook and i decided to stay and partake of the meal offered us. i was glad we did. i needed to experience the comfort of the social atmosphere that was also around us. i immediately noticed with appreciation and wonder the balance and harmony of the korean funeral ceremony. there was the solemnity of respect for the deceased and their family and friends and an unmistakable mourning in the attitudes of everyone present. but there was also this undeniable life taking place all around - the sounds of living people, eating and talking. i could not help but feel peace from this balance and hope for the life still present everywhere, for my own, for hyunsook's, and for all the people around me and in my life. later i talked about this with lucas, listening to some of the similarities to malian funerals, and we agreed that western funerals are generally pretty skewed emotionally and screwed up in comparison.

before we left, eunsoo's father stopped me. 'thank you for your coming,' he said, and i could see it in his eyes.

making our way back to the station, hyunsook and i talked about what we had experienced, both this evening and over the last couple of days. i still felt confused, but i was much more comfortable with that. i realized how much the funeral was for me and everyone, how important coming had been to me, how much i couldn't help thinking of myself, and how much i had needed to not feel shame for that, but to listen to myself and my feelings. i told hyunsook how thankful i was that she had come with me, that i couldnt have come by myself (logistically and emotionally), and how much experiencing this had meant to me. 'that's just what i wanted to say!' she told me, and i went home on subway satisfied and waiting to greet my girl...

exercise culture in korea: ajummas on bicycles

well it's 10:15am in suwon, winter's first snow is falling outside the dirty windows of my hagwon, and no students have come for my 10 o'clock class, which means i'm home free for the next 45 minutes. i'll take this time to update you on part of my daily life.

this month i started a membership at a local gym, as i was in desperate need of some physical activity. this seemingly small addition to my daily schedule has contributed a lot to my mental health as well, and my general satisfaction. i usually head to 홍익스포츠프라자 ('hongik supochu puraja' - hong-ik sports plaza) right after my last morning class finishes at 12pm. the place is rife with strongly 'korean' elements.

(http://www.hongiksports.com)

attempting to create a membership at hong-ik on my first visit to the place was an interesting encounter. unfortunately the receptionist did not understand my korean 'telegraphic speech', and it took quite a while for her to figure out just what i wanted. if only she could have slowed her speech down just a little, i might have been able to catch her words, but she instead talked to me at the speed of a native korean speaker with only a doubtful look on her face as a consolation prize. we eventually settled on a sort of game of charades and i was practically doing imaginary bench press on the countertop between us before we finally agreed on a membership plan.

(elitefeed.wordpress.com)

so i began heading to that place everyday. it's actually pretty large, offering swimming lessons, dance lessons, even 검도 ('geomdo' - modern fencing, the korean kendo) and squash quarts, all of which i have yet to take advantage of due to the limitations of my membership plan. one curious feature of my gym is the basement shower room. the women's locker/shower room is on the main floor, but to get to the men's, you have to go down a dimly-lit flight of stairs and pass through what appears to be a storage place for old furniture and is likely a supposed 'amenity' (nobody, however, is seen lounging on the torn, 'fleather' couches and partaking of this comfort). every time i enter the locker room, i take off my shoes (as is the custom in korea as well as japan), place them in the little rack, and give a greeting to the old man who is always sitting in the same spot, day in, day out, and who i suppose to be the 'shower room manager', despite the lack of instances in which i have witnessed him 'at his duties'. the locker room itself is very cramped and low-ceilinged, but it's lighting coupled with the steam from the showers give it a friendly, dull glow that is quite relaxing. i meander through and nimbly tiptoe over the men and children lounging about (all of whom are comfortably naked) to get to my assigned locker and change into my 'workout clothes' which could be better termed: 'the clothes i wore yesterday'. i have yet to use the showers because i keep forgetting to bring a towel (no towels are provided due to the mysterious disappearance that befalls many of them). even though it's unnecessary due to the fact that i live just a few minutes away and usually shower at home after the gym, i still want to try a shower down there sometime.

the weight room itself is an otherworldly place as well. upon entering, i am immediately accosted by blasts of korean pop music ('k-pop'). these songs really dont match a workout atmosphere, but they are impossible to drown out even with my own i-pod. also distracting are the exercise videos displayed simultaneously on countless tv-monitors and featuring some korean work-out superstar who is actually a skinny, 30-ish woman wearing make-up and mini-shorts too small to blow your nose on. the videos (which play constantly on repeat) probably attract more viewers through this 'dumbbell madonna' (whose exercise poses are more than a little questionably erotic, no help from the camera man) than through the quality of their actual workout techniques.

(empas.com)

nobody seems to pay any attention to the videos anyway, as the majority of the patrons to the weight room at 12pm are 아줌마 (ajummas - literally means 'aunt' and refers to all middle-aged women) on bicycles or stairmasters. this leaves me with relatively free-reign of the weights (except for the occasional 'hee-men' - slightly disgustingly muscular, short men who comprise the only male patrons). i usually take a short jog on the treadmill to warm up and do a few rounds on the weight machines before heading home, spending no longer than an hour and a half total.

(sportsseoul.com)

an open window

despite my desire and assurances to keep this blog updated, i continue to fall seriously behind... there are a lot of pictures still to upload, and quickly, before my memories of them fade. it was my hope to write about things as they happened, but that has certainly turned out futile so far. nevertheless, some recent events require that i present them out of their true order, and it will take a bit of explanation.

the last week and a half has been quite a roller coaster ride for me. everything began with an emotional explosion, and ive been picking up the shrapnel ever since. but the explosion also knocked loose a few things that had gotten buried under all the excitement of the last few weeks/months of my life. and a few new discoveries were unearthed in the process as well. you can probably guess that all of what i have been describing is in reference to relationship things, for that is what it is precisely.

it wouldnt be accurate to ascribe all of ginny's and my problems to long-distance, because this isn't our first encounter with that dilemma. but it is our second, and that, itself, carries definitionally with it an entirely different experience. the heart of the matter, however, lies more in the nature of our situations, the intrinsic discrepancy that exists in attempting to pursue our own dreams as well as share one together, the conflict that has arisen from my being in korea specifically, and in the nature of our emotional responses and the mistakes we have made in attempting to deal with them.

hiuyan's decision about whether or not to come to korea this winter has been like a pendulum swinging back and forth, and not without striking it's toll on me. her indecision lies in the fact that she has a hard time viewing korea in a positive light, a prejudice that has been more difficult for me to bear than i thought it would. there are many possible explanations for what has caused hiuyan to develop such an opinion, and likely they are all somewhat responsible for the result, but the fact that i am here now, and have experienced something with korea that she can only imagine through my retelling, is a likely major cause to her trepidation (perhaps not unwarranted, but misplaced, all the same). these negative inclinations have fed off of her insecurities, which in turn have become so fearsome, it has become difficult for us to have a conversation without them finding their way into the topic of discussion.

i, in turn, have usually been able to find a way to remain patient, to put my needs on hold, to reach as tirelessly as i can for my hopes of unconditional love. as i described to my brother and sister a couple weeks ago, however, this act of putting my feelings on hold has the side-effect of making me entirely unemotional, and i feared that my feelings of my relationship with hiuyan were turning from 'intimate' to 'caring' or 'understanding' - not unimportant aspects of romance, but i better realize now how intimacy requires some 'selfishness' to function two ways.

instead of recounting my experiences from memory, i think it would be more revealing to share with you my own words from the last week and a half. some things i have written to ginny personally, and some things i am sharing with her here and now for the first time. if you feel uncomfortable reading about some of our very personal and emotional experiences, feel free to skip ahead. both of us believe, however, in the importance of being open and transparent, not just to one or a few people, but to anyone who cares enough to look.


this is something i wrote for myself just after the conversation that detinated the emotional 'time bomb' that had been building up inside of me since i came to korea, or possibly longer:

"as the webcam video blinked and refocused, she told me about how some of her Japanese friends had invited her to spend the Christmas holiday in japan with their families. she said it was something she really wanted to do. she said if she went to korea to spend the Christmas with me, she thinks that she’d feel like she’d lost an important opportunity. her voice was drumming in my ears but I couldn’t feel anything. it was hard to hear her over the sound of the blood rushing through my ears. words utterly failed me. I had no encouragement to give her. I couldn’t even reach out and touch her anymore. it was as if in the last few seconds a chasm had grown between us. if I strained my eyes I might be able to see her, but right now I was looking at my own reflection in the puddle at my feet. to reach her, i’d have to step in that puddle. my skin was sticky and clammy; I felt like I was soiled in my own cheap stink. if I washed off that smell now, I might have enough strength to turn toward the other side of the canyon, but I’d never smell like anything again. never like flowers, or like fresh rain, or like new paper. I was sinking deeper and deeper into my cheap leather chair which stuck to my skin like glue. I wanted to give in to my disappointment and let my tears pour out, but I couldn’t. I wanted to find some way to tell her it’s alright and go ahead and go to japan if it’s important to you and I’ll be fine but I couldn’t. it was as if my heart had suddenly awoken and flown into the air and turned out to be not one, but two birds flapping their wings, straining in opposite directions. the albatross’ confident voice called to me, ‘it’s alright; you’re strong; our love can soar under any conditions, rain or storm.’ but it could not drown out the plea of the ‘amakihi, a honeycreeper fluttering with all its tiny might, ‘if we travel too far away from the sweet ohia flowers that bloom in our heart and flow with the nectar that is just right for us, we will perish over the ocean, or worse, forget the sweet sustaining flavor that fills us with life.’ the two birds were tethered to each other at the neck, a chord long enough to give the albatross a considerable distance from the ‘amakihi, but the line was stretched to the limit. if I cut the albatross loose, it would take the little honeycreeper with it. perhaps those two birds’ voices were like the voices of my brother and sister. I called the albatross back, sat down in my puddle, and turned toward the video of my girl. she was crying, and I had let the first tear spill out. ‘I need to be alone for a while.’ I felt the puddle soaking into my jeans. ‘please don’t call me for a while,’ I told her. we looked at each other for a while and eventually hung up. suddenly the emotion started flowing out of me. I leaned over, clutching myself. I felt small and sick, soiled in my own reflection. but I held onto those birds with all my might. ‘what am i?’ I thought to myself. ‘who the fuck am i?’ I couldn’t figure out which way to turn, which bird to cut loose. and I felt utterly fake and pathetic in my confusion. ‘you’re weak,’ a voice like the albatross’ told me. ‘you’re valuable and beautiful,’ said a dull, shallow whine like an imitation of the ‘amakihi’s. I went into the bathroom to urinate, but when I entered, my reflection stared back at me. it was distorted with sadness. I sank to my knees with shame and disgust at the ugly, alien countenance that shone back at me. but I had known what I would see in the mirror, and I shook my head wondering when would I understand my reflection? when would I recognize the face looking back at me? and why did I have to always look for that person alone?"


i stayed alone for a while. the week progressed and i taught my classes, but it was like i was in a different reality when i was with my students, as if my problems were put on hold just for those few hours. coming home, i would sink back into self-reflection, but not despair. i felt confused, but i also felt satisfaction that i had not sacrificed something precious within me. i concentrated on caring for myself, something i had been unthinkingly holding back for too long. i took walks and explored suwon more. last sunday i went walking to paldalsan, a nearby mountain. i was anxious to see the autumn colors, and i wasnt disappointed. paldalsan is in the heart of suwon; it exists on the edge of hwaseong fortress:

that evening i decided to write to hiuyan, even though i didnt know how. somehow writing felt like the only natural thing i could do:

Sunday, November 09, 2008
"i dont know how to start writing about what i want to say...
there have been things that ive wanted to tell you over the last couple of days, things i want you to know, things i want you to realize about me
i could not just tell you about them, because you need to figure out how to love me the way i need
i can't just write out a user-guide to myself
i felt hurt that you dont see what i need, frustrated at this irrational part of myself that wont just talk about everything directly, and so so confused
the only thing that has given me the air i need to breathe is the knowledge that i am at least listening to this part of myself, as emotionally reckless and irrational as it may be
so i haven't wanted to talk to you, even though i want you to understand me
and now ive become a little trapped in this isolation, i dont know how to talk to you
even these words seem awkward and inexpressive
but i owe you an attempt at the very least, to give you an idea where i am now

you say that we just dont realize the ways we are caring for each other or see how we are trying to show it
ive been told this by girls before
perhaps there is some truth to that, but i cant ignore this nagging feeling that those words are just a lame excuse for our fear of vulnerability from sharing ourselves more fully

there are many things that i feel like im missing these days, holes in our relationship, things i am now realizing i need that are not there
my values and ideals have guided me in the past, whispering in my ear that i dont need much to be in a relationship, that my strength comes from within, strength that gives me the capacity for patience, selflessness, unconditional love
i still believe this
but i know also that i need people to value me the way i love myself, to understand my love for myself, to inspire that love for myself to grow in new ways, to be a part of that love
this is what i need you to realize
you say you love me
i believe those words, but i need to feel them
i feel like you dont know me, as i know myself
maybe you're afraid to see my love for myself
maybe you dont know how to love yourself that way, and so you cant understand how i do
maybe you cant understand why i feel this way now
you must figure it out to find me
i am an open book, i think
so i wonder how you cant see me, respond to me
perhaps this is all a figment of my immagination
perhaps i am the one who cant see your love
that may be, i cant deny the possibility
all i know is what i feel now and what i must do in response to that

maybe my patience and commitment has given you the impression that i am a solid rock that you can smash yourself against to examine the pieces of yourself and find their meaning for you
in many ways, i am able to function in this way
this is a part of my character
but there is another part, a fragile part, a precious part, that must be cherished gently as an irreplacable treasure
it is vulnerable
not anyone deserves to love that part of me or deserves to care for that part of me

im sorry ive suddenly become this way
i know there was no warning, even i didnt really see it coming
but i should have guessed that it would
it had been building up slowly, i had been waiting for you to see me and fulfill me
i should not have hoped for that without telling you
i feel that i have been slowly losing a lover
and the confident, understanding, gentleness i so desperately long for
you aren't the only one who needs that
you aren't the only one who feels the need for reassurance
you've had little to say to reassure me, and much to discourage me, whether or not you realize it
im in a dark place now, but it is not forlorn because i know im here with me
the choices ive made to distance myself from you tell me that im unwilling to sacrifice myself, and that gives me a kind of hope, and growing confidence in myself, despite the weaknesses i know are also there

if you take this to mean i dont need you anymore, that would be very sad interpretation
i am unable now, however, to stretch myself any farther
if i did so, i would be sacrificing a part of myself, which i am not prepared to do
in many ways, writing all of this is very confusing, because i am trying to express, rationally, something inside of me that is quite irrational and difficult for even myself to understand
reading my own words, i almost seem to be hypocritical with my expression
i dont really expect you to understand that which i can not completely grasp
perhaps this is the more femenine side of my emotions - i think a lot of the ways that ive learned to express these emotions is through experiencing some of the ways women see and care for themselves
there i go again...a rational attempt to explain something so bewildering - it's a contradiction inside of me
that's why this part of me frustrates me so much
as im sure it does to you too

i cant say anymore for now
i dont even want to post this, it doesnt feel right, but i will anyway
i'll hope that you receive it the right way"

all the next week we didnt say much to each other; i couldnt come back yet. i played a lot of guitar music, downloaded the muppet show, black adder, star trek voyager, and started studying more korean and reading more dostoyevsky. but yesterday we finally began chatting over instant messaging. after i left to buy some dinner, ginny stayed on and wrote more, to which i responed this morning with my own monologue. i'll put it here:

[11/15/2008 7:56:17 PM] yanyan says: ciao~
[11/15/2008 8:04:10 PM] yanyan says: just remembered something
[11/15/2008 8:05:16 PM] yanyan says: i told you that i've been watching a taiwanese show, a singing contest show ya?
[11/15/2008 8:05:43 PM] yanyan says: in the one that i've been watching these few days
[11/15/2008 8:06:39 PM] yanyan says: the singers were all very very very good at singing
[11/15/2008 8:07:34 PM] yanyan says: but they all had the some kind of weakness
[11/15/2008 8:07:39 PM] yanyan says: that was
[11/15/2008 8:08:29 PM] yanyan says: because they're all very good - they had good techniques and stuff
[11/15/2008 8:08:36 PM] yanyan says: because of that
[11/15/2008 8:09:19 PM] yanyan says: they became very careful when they're singing
[11/15/2008 8:11:27 PM] yanyan says: and that kinda became a barrier for them to paint their feelings and thoughts when singing a song
[11/15/2008 8:12:33 PM] yanyan says: i've been feeling like that this 2~3 months
[11/15/2008 8:12:54 PM] yanyan says: on our relationship
[11/15/2008 8:14:33 PM] yanyan says: i've always felt that i'm person who has more feelings to "sing" instead of techniques
[11/15/2008 8:15:04 PM] yanyan says: but once i started to become too careful
[11/15/2008 8:16:26 PM] yanyan says: the only thing i have the most would be lost, or covered up
[11/15/2008 8:18:14 PM] yanyan says: i think, my love for people is more like a "disffusion" (spelling?)
[11/15/2008 8:18:38 PM] yanyan says: slowly, slowly, deeper, deeper
[11/15/2008 8:19:55 PM] yanyan says: not like fireworks, which goes like "bang!", then "wow!"
[11/15/2008 8:20:54 PM] yanyan says: oh, diffusion
[1:32:01 PM] yakul85 says: does being careful cause this diffusion
[1:32:49 PM] yakul85 says: maybe being careful is what takes love longer to manifest
[1:33:42 PM] yakul85 says: you described yourself as being passionate, singing from your heart
[1:34:07 PM] yakul85 says: your passions are not like fireworks
[1:34:45 PM] yakul85 says: it is hard for me to understand how both of these things could be true
[1:35:05 PM] yakul85 says: passion takes me by storm
[1:35:18 PM] yakul85 says: it caries me far far far away
[1:36:17 PM] yakul85 says: to someplace so beyond the realms of reality, within its beauty lurks a danger of being caught, trapped, lost in that place
[1:36:31 PM] yakul85 says: but i must let myself reach out an touch it
[1:36:50 PM] yakul85 says: i have never really given myself a chance to slowly develop skills and techniques
[1:37:04 PM] yakul85 says: i can only reach beyond them to where my passion lies
[1:37:47 PM] yakul85 says: this fills me with excitement, hope, love for myself
[1:38:07 PM] yakul85 says: and it also means that without my passion i can not accomplish as much
[1:38:20 PM] yakul85 says: so it is a limitation in as much as it is a gift
[1:38:45 PM] yakul85 says: because i am this way, it is hard for me to understand a slowly deepening passion
[1:38:57 PM] yakul85 says: to me this is virtually a contradiction in terms
[1:39:56 PM] yakul85 says: i think what is clear is that we have different feelings of passion and different ways of expressing them
[1:40:15 PM] yakul85 says: and we are still exploring and learning about these feelings within ourselves and what they are capable of
[1:40:42 PM] yakul85 says: it will take time for us to be ready to explore each other's sense of passion
[1:40:46 PM] yakul85 says: and of love
[1:41:35 PM] yakul85 says: being apart, being forced to rely on our own passions for strength more so than before, brings out these differences between us more visibly
[1:42:10 PM] yakul85 says: and makes it harder for us to attempt learning about each other
[1:42:59 PM] yakul85 says: i think what we may need is a chance to share in each other's personal expression more
[1:43:25 PM] yakul85 says: when we talk directly, we may find it harder to share those things
[1:43:46 PM] yakul85 says: i want to do a better job of keeping an online journal
[1:43:52 PM] yakul85 says: that will help me listen to myself
[1:43:57 PM] yakul85 says: and help you listen to me too
[1:44:47 PM] yakul85 says: and what i want to hear most these days, is not your words to me as much as your words to yourself
[1:45:13 PM] yakul85 says: you have much within you that i know is inspirational to me
[1:45:29 PM] yakul85 says: but you cant choose what i may need from you
[1:45:50 PM] yakul85 says: and all i want to give you is myself, anyway
[1:45:57 PM] yakul85 says: i will only be me
[1:46:04 PM] yakul85 says: i never want to be anyone else
[1:46:19 PM] yakul85 says: even if changing myself can make you happier, i'll never do it
[1:46:29 PM] yakul85 says: that much i know
[1:46:31 PM] yakul85 says: but
[1:46:56 PM] yakul85 says: i am willing to give you everything that is really me
[1:47:50 PM] yakul85 says: and too, i must accept who you are, despite my disappointment
[1:48:51 PM] yakul85 says: maybe you can not be my 'princess charming' who sweeps me off my feet
[1:49:52 PM] yakul85 says: but you can be 'hiuyan'
[1:51:04 PM] yakul85 says: that's who i want in my life
[1:51:31 PM] yakul85 says: and i just want to share my life with you
[1:51:42 PM] yakul85 says: and i must tell you
[1:51:59 PM] yakul85 says: how much it hurt me to see that you didnt want to share in my life now
[1:52:03 PM] yakul85 says: you didnt say this
[1:53:46 PM] yakul85 says: but it felt like that to me everytime your uncertainty about korea became more important than my experience of it
[1:53:57 PM] yakul85 says: what is a place anyway?
[1:54:29 PM] yakul85 says: it's what is drawn out of you in a place, what you experience and learn about yourself, that makes a place significant or special
[1:55:23 PM] yakul85 says: to me it doesnt matter how good or bad korea is socially, economically, educationally
[1:55:53 PM] yakul85 says: all i know is what ive learned about myself through my interaction with it and its people
[1:56:24 PM] yakul85 says: and i love this place because i love the parts of myself that are drawn from this place
[1:57:24 PM] yakul85 says: perhaps this causes me to overreact by feeling you dont like me when you dont like korea, because all i know about korea is through this experience of discovering some of myself through discovering korea
[1:57:56 PM] yakul85 says: i wont say, 'if you love me, love korea'
[1:58:39 PM] yakul85 says: but i do wish you would put your hope and trust in the words i have to share about korea
[1:58:53 PM] yakul85 says: instead of in your fears and uncertainties about it
[1:59:53 PM] yakul85 says: i do love this place
[1:59:57 PM] yakul85 says: the people are so human
[2:01:13 PM] yakul85 says: with their struggles against screwed up education, professional, political, even familial and religious systems, they shine as passionate, sincere people
[2:01:48 PM] yakul85 says: at first, i honestly felt like many korean people reminded me of high school, with their emotional and sometimes almost transparent responses to situations
[2:02:51 PM] yakul85 says: but despite all the shit everywhere, they have a really, really inspirational perspective on unconditional love
[2:03:26 PM] yakul85 says: i cant begin to express how much ive experienced this
[2:04:12 PM] yakul85 says: i have to admit, it comes most clearly to me through the young-adult generation
[2:05:07 PM] yakul85 says: and i think a lot of my experience of it has to do with the fact that i am an 'outsider'
[2:06:06 PM] yakul85 says: for one thing, ive found that having a language barrier can facilitate honesty and a more dedicated attempt at expressing sincerity
[2:09:01 PM] yakul85 says: and it just occured to me that the closeness i feel to korea probably has a lot to do with the stage of my life that i was in when i began experiencing korea
[2:10:22 PM] yakul85 says: in a lot of ways, i was coming back to reality from a period of remote isolation and self-exploration
[2:11:12 PM] yakul85 says: my reunification with the world happened in hawaii, and subsequently with koreans
[2:11:57 PM] yakul85 says: anyway, although i have found such a strong sense of belonging here, it is not complete if i dont feel a sense of belonging with you
[2:13:20 PM] yakul85 says: but i cannot coexist with your insecurities
[2:13:31 PM] yakul85 says: yes, this word 'insecurities' again
[2:13:42 PM] yakul85 says: it is one that you have begun to fear
[2:14:07 PM] yakul85 says: and that is where it eats away at you and at our relationship
[2:14:13 PM] yakul85 says: through fear
[2:16:29 PM] yakul85 says: honestly, i often wonder how such a fear can reside inside such a person as yourself, someone who is so straightforward, honest, hopeful, unpreoccupied with the eyes of others, and fearlessly explorative
[2:16:58 PM] yakul85 says: at times i nearly think of you as two different people
[2:17:09 PM] yakul85 says: when your fear comes out, it's not you
[2:18:52 PM] yakul85 says: when i say these words, i say them as much to myself and my own worries and doubts: you must not fear your insecurity
[2:19:38 PM] yakul85 says: acknowledge your weakness and live with it, talk to it, talk to yourself
[2:19:53 PM] yakul85 says: speak out loud (that's what i do)
[2:20:17 PM] yakul85 says: dont cringe, but fight back
[2:21:05 PM] yakul85 says: you must shout to yourself, 'NO!'
[2:21:37 PM] yakul85 says: i can love you even through your struggle, i know that
[2:21:45 PM] yakul85 says: This message has been removed
[2:22:27 PM] yakul85 says: but it is hard for me to feel loved
[2:22:37 PM] yakul85 says: that is my weakness, i know
[2:22:52 PM] yakul85 says: if i were perfect, i would endure as long as you needed
[2:22:59 PM] yakul85 says: and i am enduring now
[2:23:13 PM] yakul85 says: but things like what has happened to me will happen sometimes
[2:24:05 PM] yakul85 says: my sense of self-preservation will kick in
[2:24:58 PM] yakul85 says: and i will need to be alone for a while to give my emotions the attention they need
[2:25:11 PM] yakul85 says: i tried to avoid this
[2:25:19 PM] yakul85 says: i thought i could keep holding on, remaining patient
[2:25:58 PM] yakul85 says: but this ended up just making my retreat more dramatic, more painful for us both
[2:26:18 PM] yakul85 says: now i realize that i needed you to see this about me
[2:26:35 PM] yakul85 says: to understand my needs
[2:26:58 PM] yakul85 says: by trying not to be selfish, i was even more so
[2:29:10 PM] yakul85 says: i now have a clearer understanding of my own needs
[2:29:21 PM] yakul85 says: and of my value
[2:29:48 PM] yakul85 says: i can not sacrifice my own value for you
[2:29:53 PM] yakul85 says: that would not be love
[2:29:59 PM] yakul85 says: only servitude
[2:30:05 PM] yakul85 says: not intimacy
[2:30:59 PM] yakul85 says: i think i tried to sacrifice my own value because i wanted you to express yours
[2:31:37 PM] yakul85 says: i wanted you to be selfish, so to speak, to tell me what you want, what you need
[2:32:04 PM] yakul85 says: because i dont want a servant either; i want an equal
[2:32:49 PM] yakul85 says: i did exactly what i didnt want you to do, ignoring my own needs
[2:33:55 PM] yakul85 says: well, i will leave you now (meaning i will stop writing)
[2:34:11 PM] yakul85 says: to think for yourself about these things
[2:34:51 PM] yakul85 says: if it's alright with you, id like to post some of this 'conversation' on my blog
[2:35:09 PM] yakul85 says: i think it really reflects a lot of my values and self-awareness
[2:36:11 PM] yakul85 says: despite all the hardships, i am learning about myself through this, being with you, and that's a very important thing
[2:36:19 PM] yakul85 says: so just that fact gives me a lot of hope
[2:36:25 PM] yakul85 says: i miss you

so that's where i am now. i wanted to write about this, to help me look at things more objectively. this is sort of a first for me, writing so openly on a blog like this. but i want this to be more than a blog or a journal. i also want to make clear that everything ive written about hiuyan is from my own perspective which i certainly know by now to be considerably limited. please consider everything ive written as a window into my own life and thoughts. i cant presume to express hers.

if you've read all this, im impressed and pleased. i hope that your patience has been a benefit to you in some way. now i must go to see my friend's concert in seoul. remember hyunsook? i saw one of her company choir's performances already this fall. today is the grand finale. it is nice to be going out.